Where is the Love?

This month I was going to write about losing my Mother; how it happened, how it affected me and how I continue to fight through the pain every second of every day. Instead, I want to get a few things off my chest, in hopes I'm not the only one feeling this way about the response to the LDS church and their new policy.

It is an understatement to say that I'm hurt by the words of people who are not happy with this new policy, some of them who I still consider good friends. Let me explain that I am NOT hurt by people disagreeing with the policy. I am NOT hurt by people thinking it's wrong or something they do not believe in. Each individual person is able to believe what they want and think what they want. I don't think less of anyone for believing differently than I do. Oh but heaven forbid I ask for the same in return. I only ask that those of you who feel the need to post about your disagreement or outrage all over social media to choose your words carefully. I have read a lot on social media about how people believe Mormon's discriminate against LGBTQ, people who get abortions, pretty much anyone that isn't LDS. Let me defend my Mormon self by saying I do not discriminate. I love everyone just like I have been taught every week at church, every year I went to EFY, every conference I have been alive to witness, every young women activity I attended, and every relief society and church function I continue to attend now. I have never been taught to hate anyone. I have only been taught to love unconditionally.

I've seen many things on social media stating Mormons are spreading "hate". Like I already mentioned before, choose your words carefully. Generally stating "Mormons" is grouping me and many people you may know and/or love into that category. This may not always be intentional, but it doesn't mean it isn't hurtful. I know myself pretty well and I know I have made mistakes but in no way do I spread hate. The definition of the noun hate is intense or passionate dislike. If you're going to say that Mormons...every single one of us...are spreading hate, then go ahead and prove that each of us individually has an intense or passionate dislike of the LGBTQ community. Or more specifically, the children in the LGBTQ community. Because I will tell you right now you won't find that with me. Sure you'll probably find some that do...but you'll find that every group or religious party will have people that do not behave according to the doctrine that is taught. Holding Mormons to a higher standard...expecting our members to be without fault...how is that fair? It's not. When this news was leaked on social media the leaders of the church responded. The leaders never said it was out of intense dislike for these kids. In fact, they stated it was out of protection. Whether you believe that or not is not the point. Just tell me something...when you judge this as hatred and spew it out as if it's a fact where are your facts? Where does your knowledge come from? What makes you call the leaders of my church "bigots" who did this out of hatred when they themselves are saying they did it out of protection? What makes you decide to choose hate and anger so quickly without at least trying to look at it from a different perspective? Where is YOUR love? Again, saying and believing these things is an individual choice and an individual right. But when you say hurtful and stereotypical things, you spread more "hate" and "discrimination". This makes you hypocritical. Oh, you're just standing up for what you believe in? Just fighting for what you believe is right? What if I tell you so am I? And everyone else who has supported and sustained our church leaders publicly. Have the same respect for others that you demand for yourselves. It IS possible and more noteworthy to stand up for your beliefs with kindness and understanding.

I've also heard and seen a lot of things saying that us Mormons were brain washed or manipulated into believing the things we do. Wow... give me a little more credit than that. How directly insulting that is to me. I apparently can't think for myself...make the right decisions by myself...or understand the difference between right and wrong. Look where that's gotten me. I have a loving husband and 2 beautiful children who I get to be with for eternity. I have loving parents who "brainwashed" me into being happier than I have ever been in my entire life as well as provided me with the 8 greatest siblings in the entire world. I have strong and dependable in-laws and extended family. I have great friends (not all LDS) that I love and can rely on for anything I will ever need. I have experienced hurt. I have experienced pain. I know what happiness is, and I have it. I'm not saying a person can't be happy without the gospel. I'm only saying that me being Mormon has played the largest part in my eternal happiness. So please, if you respect me, love me, or consider me a friend...be kind...be loving...give people the benefit of the doubt. Even if you hate me, do these things because I promise they will never fail you.

Even though I have made it obvious where I stand with this new policy, I struggle with it too. I am sad and my heart aches for the people who hurt. I understand where this hurt comes from. I did not write this post to persuade anyone to believe what I believe. I am only asking for people with either perspective to try to be kind and understanding. Do not spread more of the hate everyone is complaining about. I am a happy and dedicated Mormon. If that bothers you or offends you, by all means "unfriend" me or "unfollow" me.

Hello My Name is Dema and I'm an Addict

I know it hasn't even been a week since my last post but my heart is so full. I'm sure you've all heard the expressions "my heart is breaking" and "my heart is bursting". Two different phrases that have opposite meanings. How is it possible, then, that I feel like my heart is breaking and bursting at the same time? Well it may sound cheesy but it's true. My stud of a little brother left to an out of state rehab facility yesterday. Anyone who knows me well enough knows how much I love this kid and how much time and effort I have spent worrying for his well-being over the last...well as long as I can remember. Last night as I said goodbye to my best friend and wished him luck I asked if it would be okay for me to post what I know about his story. I wish he could tell it to you because I don't know everything and it will be more from my perspective. Anyway, he said he didn't care so let me start by giving you some background.

As you read in my last post 3 of my brothers were adopted from Moldova in 1997. These brothers are Denis, Valek and Dema. When my Mom was pregnant with me she felt very strongly that I was a boy and would see her little boy in her dreams. Then I was born (clearly not a boy) and she felt something was missing. This is one of the main things that convinced her to adopt. When she went to Moldova and saw my three brothers she knew it was their presence that was missing. Dema is only about 3 weeks younger than me so we were instant friends. Maybe more like frenemies at times but we were very close. We went to kindergarten together, we played with the same friends, the same toys (he loved to tear the heads off my barbies) and we were almost always together. Dema stayed in kindergarten another year while I went on to 1st grade. He was a lot younger than everyone in our grade and was still working on his English. Even still, we walked to the bus everyday together, played on the same baseball team (where I was the only girl) and we're both even guilty of wearing each other's clothes. One of my favorite memories from when we were growing up was when we were about 10 or 11 years old. We were walking to the bus stop and Dema had this idea that it was super cool to have every single zipper on his backpack undone. Sure...super cool to have all your assignments and books falling out with every step you took. Me, being the nagging, annoying, bossy older sister that I was kept getting mad at him and telling him to zip it up. He wouldn't listen so after I picked up his papers for the 100th time I started to zip it up myself. Dema turned around so fast and clocked me right in the nose. Full fist...held nothing back. Then he took off running as I chased after him. That afternoon...we walked home together...friends again. That was usually how it was with us. As the youngest Dema got teased a lot and I admire him for handling it as well as he did. His older siblings could be terrible to him...Jenny Meek if you're reading this I still feel awful about the time we locked Dema in the tennis court and stuck our gum in his hair when he tried to climb out. He had a bald spot on his head for weeks.

I have no idea how to rotate this but this is me and my 3 brothers Dema, Denis and Valek

As we grew into teenagers Dema began getting into a little trouble. First it started with missing curfew and smaller things like that. But as the years went by he started searching for trouble. I encourage everyone to watch the videos the LDS church has released on addiction because it will truly enlighten you on what addiction really is and what it does to one's brain. Dema has always been an addict. I recently read some letters my Mom sent to my sister Melissa on her mission and she talks about how Dema can't keep his hands off candy. She talked about how it seemed impossible for him to stare at the marshmallow and not eat it...even if he was promised 2 marshmallows at the end of 5 minutes. I swear he could have won some sort of record for eating candy...it was almost impressive. This may not seem like it relates to his addiction...but it is one of the signs of an addictive personality. Sadly...when Dema got older he ditched some really good friends in search of people who he felt more comfortable around. Not saying these weren't good kids...but they were definitely not good friends and were not good influences on him. However, Dema made his own decisions. He was strong enough to say no to that first drink and that first cigarette but he didn't. And because of that first drink Dema became an instant alcoholic. Because of that first cigarette he became addicted. Does anybody not believe it can happen like this? Because statistics prove that millions of people who also suffer from addiction, in the US alone, will tell you differently.

Because of these addictions Dema was constantly kicked out of the house. He dropped out of high school and lived at different friends houses. He did end up finishing high school later but it was a lot harder and a lot less fun than it would have been had he just stuck it out in school. He decided to live a lifestyle that was very different from our family's. We always knew when he was in deep because he would distance himself as much as he possibly could. Dema has an incredibly huge heart... and he couldn't stand to see what he was doing to his family because he was not ready to change. He didn't want it...at least not enough. The worst part of this stage in Dema's life was when he started stealing from us...my Dad in particular. He looked for someone to blame for all his problems and that person happened to be my Dad. I'm sure we can all guess what he used the money for. It was a really sad time in my life when I realized I couldn't trust my own brother...my lifelong best friend. The married couples in our family were afraid to tell him where we lived...my dad installed a camera security system throughout the house... and each bedroom or important room in my home had a combination lock on it. Of course...most of this was thanks to my older brother Valek who stole much more than Dema and lived the same lifestyle so I can't credit this completely to Dema haha. My parents sent Dema to a sort of rehab facility for minors called Lifeline when I was a sophomore in High School. I cried a lot that day. My parents unexpectedly pulled Dema out of Lifeline in July of 2009 and only a month later my Mom passed away. That was a big turning point for both of my brothers and they started making some very bad decisions. When I was a junior in high school my Dad tried sending Dema to another facility named Westridge. It was an amazing environment and being there really allowed him to flourish. Dema has always been an INCREDIBLE natural athlete. He played every sport Westridge had to offer and was the leading scorer on every team. He averaged over 30 points a game in basketball. He was at Westridge for 10 months I believe (correct me if I'm wrong family). He came home a much different person but the temptation got the better of him as he dove right back in to his old habits.

Since he was now 18... he started taking some frequent trips to jail. He was in jail the day I got married. I got to talk to him over a phone and through a screen in front of all his inmate friends and tell him I wished he could be there on the most important day of my life. This was also the way I told him I was pregnant with my first child. He has missed at least 2 or 3 of his own birthdays in jail. I can't even tell you all the reasons he was booked....he probably could though ha. Around this time last year he got really drunk one night and "took some pills". That's all he remembers. I remember getting a call saying that Dema was in the ICU...he had alcohol poisoning and his organs were failing. Other family members could probably tell this story better than I but what I do know still terrifies me. A friend found Dema passed out in a neighbors apartment. He hadn't moved in over 24 hours...how does nobody get concerned by this? Wait...I guess the right question would be...how does somebody realize this...lock him inside the apartment and leave him there in fear they will get in trouble for drug possession? When does fear for yourself become more important than a human life? My little brothers life. I'll gladly tell you how....drugs...meth in this case. It took me a long time to separate addict Dema from my brother Dema. They were never the same person. So I have to remember this with others as well....or at least hope they were under the influence when they chose to let my brother die alone on their couch in their meth lab. Because no sane person in their uninfluenced right mind would do that...right? When paramedics got there they told my step brother Robby (who I have to thank for finding Dema and saving his life) that he would have been dead within the hour. I went to the ICU to see him with every intention of scolding him and yelling at him. How could he do this to me? To our family? How can he not know what he means to us? But when I saw him hooked up to machines and tubes...I lost all my fight. We all spent as much time as we could with him in the hospital...telling him we loved him and he needed to change so that this wouldn't happen again. I had high hopes that THIS would be his moment...the moment he would realize what he was doing was literally killing him. Imagine my shock when he got out of the hospital and was kicked right back out of the house within a matter of weeks.

Dema has always asked me to give him tough love. I have always been honest with him and he has always been honest with me... for the most part ;) I have had countless conversations with Dema where we are both sobbing and I am telling him he is worth it. He is worth every tear and every effort I have spent on him. He deserves to have the life he wants. He would be the first to tell you that he made the decisions that got him where he is. He has the biggest heart, he is so thoughtful and kind. If he has ever been mean to someone....while he is sober...then I can promise it did not come naturally to him. My 6' 2" brother is almost impossible to make angry or hostile...EVEN when intoxicated I have only heard about or witnessed it a couple times. He is an awesome uncle and all the grandkids remember him even though they only see him once in a blue moon. He has not even begun to reach his potential and I can't wait for him to realize all the things he is capable of. I can't wait for him to blow himself away.

"Hello my name is Dema and I'm an addict" are the words he started with yesterday night when we were discussing his decision to go to rehab. He proceeded to say all the things I have already stated. He has dug himself in a hole and only he can get himself out. He has cheated death. He owes this to himself and to his family. He also retold the short story of the man who looks back on his life and realizes that in the hardest times...there are only one set of footprints in the sand when Christ had promised him he would always be with him. Only to find out that it was during those times Christ carried him. He is finally to the point where he wants to change enough to get help. Sad that it had to take this long but grateful it didn't take longer! My heart is breaking because he is leaving and it will be a long time before I see or hear from him. But even more than that...my heart is BURSTING as it seems like he has finally realized what I have known all along...he is so worth it. He deserves it. And he CAN do it. The question has only ever been...WILL he do it? He won't be able to read this for a while but if you do read it Dema... I love you more than you will ever know...I care more than I can stand it. You have more support now than you have ever had in your life. Learn to lean on those you love but more importantly learn to lean on your Savior Jesus Christ...that is what he died so painfully on the cross for. For what you are going through right now. Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith. Again, I love you.

Some advice I would give to anyone going through a similar situation I have. Learn to separate sober from intoxicated. Love unconditionally. Never give up on them and never lose faith in them. If you are ever unsafe...distance as much as you need to but don't cut them off (unless necessary...some situations are definitely more dangerous than others). DON'T enable them. Make them work but know when it is necessary to help them... pray to know the difference. Always tell them how it is...don't sugar coat. Don't forget to tell them you love them. Make sure they know you do not support what they are doing...in any way. Praise them, praise them, praise them when they make good decisions. Pray for them. If you made it through this post...pat yourself on the back! And pray for my sweet brother as this may be the hardest thing he will ever have to do.

For Those of You Who Would Like to Know

This is for those of you who would like to know a little about me before I start posting. First of all I would like to say I am no pro at writing so you can keep your grammar, punctuation and spelling corrections to yourself. Starting with my childhood...I grew up in a family of 11. There are 9 kids including me. My Mother had 6 kids and we adopted 3 when I was 4 years old. The earliest memory I have is the day my 3 brothers walked downstairs and I met them for the first time. I don't remember a time without them and for that I'm grateful because I truly believe I was blessed with their presence in my life. We adopted my 3 brothers in 1997 from a tiny country in Europe called Moldova. My parent's had no intention to adopt more than one but when my Mom saw these 3 brothers together she knew in her heart they were her sons. It took a little while but in August of 1997 my family was made complete. After over 22 great but not-so-easy years I wouldn't trade a single family member for anything. And that's the truth.

I grew up in what some of you might see as your average LDS family household. We went to church on Sunday, we had family night occasionally when life slowed down, we read scriptures and said prayer on most nights. My parents love the gospel but we were by no means perfect. We did other things as well. We all played sports, went to school, fought with each other and worked our butts off every Saturday and almost every day in the summer so we could earn privileges to play with our friends. The reason I mentioned my LDS faith first is not by chance. My religion is the center of my life. I am so proud of that. My religion makes me better, it makes me happier. It makes me a better wife, mother and contributing member of society. Despite what some may think about LDS doctrine and principle, this gospel teaches me to love everyone unconditionally, to forgive unconditionally, and to be the best possible version of me. I strive every day to be the person my Heavenly Father knows I can be and I'm sorry to say that I probably fail more times than I succeed. But hey, nobody is perfect. I was not brainwashed or conditioned into believing the things I believe. I was not forced in any way, shape or form. I have, in fact, had serious doubts of my own and explored my spirituality in search of the truth on multiple occasions.

The most prominent occasion where my faith wavered was the year I lost my Mom. I had just turned 16 and was starting my junior year of High School in less than a week. I will get more into this in another post...but my faith was most definitely tried as I was angry at God for taking my Mom away from me. In short, I chose to overcome that anger and turn to my Heavenly Father. He lifted me up. He got me through some of the darkest times and still gets me through the rough days even after I was so awful and ungrateful for so long. That is a fact and is not up for debate. This is my truth, my KNOWLEDGE.

Anyway, on to some lighter subject material. Due to this unfortunate event and some others...I was forced to grow up a little faster than planned. I married the love of my life less than 2 months after I turned 18. His name is Braiden and wow I love him. Best thing that ever happened to me. He is hardworking, determined, confident in all he does, and a worthy priesthood holder. He always has me either laughing or rolling my eyes haha. I won't lie and say that marriage is blissful and easy. Actually, the greatest part about it is that we both love each other enough to face the trying and uncomfortable situations that come our way. "Come what may, and love it."People always ask me if I regret getting married as young as I did...nope. Honestly... I regret that my Mom had to die and I was ready for this grown up life quicker than originally planned but it was the best thing for me to get married when I did and I have never once doubted that.

Last paragraph I promise...4 years later and we have been blessed with the 2 most beautiful children there ever were. Seriously. We love them. My daughter Josie came on March 18, 2014...also my Angel Mother's birthday. She is sweet, so smart, beautiful, hilarious, interactive, outgoing, affectionate, imaginative and extremely important to me. I know us Mom's say it a lot...but it's true that you never know how much you can love someone until you have a child. My son Nixon came on April 11, 2015. Whoops. Not planned but such a blessing because he is pretty awesome. His personality is just starting to come out but he is also affectionate, smart, beautiful and ridiculously hyperactive. He is my momma's boy and I love it. It is not possible to love these kids more than I do. It completely consumes and overwhelms me at times. I wonder how I got so lucky. I hear that children in heaven get some sort of say in their parents. If that's so...I feel so honored and blessed because these are some special souls. Well... that's me and my simple life. Now that life has slowed down a little bit I will try to keep this updated at least somewhat regularly. Thanks for reading if you made it!