7 years ago exactly I had just finished volleyball practice when me and my sister Anna went straight from there to visit my Mom at IHC in Murray. We went to wish my Mom luck before her hysterectomy. As far as we knew it was a very common procedure and she would be just fine. We wished her luck, said goodbye and told her we loved her. That was the last thing she was able to say to us. She died at 12:15 a.m. on the 18th.
Every year, somewhat unconsciously, I really struggle at her death date. After talking to a good friend a few months ago about losing our parents, she helped me realize that I've made a habit of not letting myself be sad very often. She lent me a book called "Daring Greatly" by Brene Brown and I'm not usually one for self-help books but it's helping me let myself feel whatever I'm feeling. So here I am writing...and daring greatly. I am really good at coming up with excuses to not let myself cry or be sad. I am a Mom, I have to be there for my kids. I have a job, I need the money and need to be able to get through the day. Not very many people will understand anyway, so why would I let my feelings show? And since those people don't understand, why would I want to make them feel awkward and uncomfortable with my tears and overwhelming sadness? At the time, it's easier to just push it away, tell myself I'll deal with it later even though I know I won't. In the long run however, it's really stunting my ability to learn and grow. What am I teaching my kids if I never cry in front of them or openly struggle. Will they grow up thinking it's not ok to cry? That it's some sort of weakness? That we're not supposed to struggle or ask for help? Or maybe that I'm heartless or not emotional and therefore I'm not understanding of their sadness or struggles. Regardless I figure it can only help to let myself be vulnerable and help them to learn from it as they grow.
At times I feel bitter. I went through two years of high school having to watch my friends interact with their mothers all the time. Often times they would fight with their mom's (yes, I understand this is a normal teenage girl thing to do) and I couldn't help but think "why did you get to keep your mom? Why me?" It was nothing against my friends, I just think you can't help but be bitter when something hurts so bad, and I've learned that's ok. Through the atonement and the pure love of Christ... he understands. And whatever I'm feeling is ok. But bitterness is not a good feeling, it's painful and it still comes around every so often. Actually more often than I would like to admit.
I'm also still really angry. Maybe you would think after 7 years that wouldn't be the case. In that 7 years I've missed out on so much because she's not here. My kids have missed out on simply knowing her. When you're a Mom your children's needs are immediately put before your own. Most mother's own that and live up to it constantly putting themselves last. My Mom was that way. And when she died that comfort that your feelings/needs/wants come first for someone died too. It's especially hard when all mine and Braiden's time and effort goes into our family and our children. I can't help but yearn for that feeling. I can't help but be angry that comfort was taken away from me. I'm not really able to place my anger... sometimes I'm angry at God because I know this was his call but I also know I could never do it without him. Sometimes I'm angry at my Mom because I know at some point she agreed to this but I also know how hard it must have been for a dedicated mother and wife to leave her husband and children. But mostly I'm just angry. Last night me and Braiden got into a fight (yes married couples fight, I'm not ashamed) I drove around in my car and just kept thinking about where I could go and just "be" at 10 p.m. where there would be no judgement and where there would be complete understanding. I have a lot of siblings and I know any one of them would have loved to have me. But I would have felt guilty when they all have jobs, or kids to tend to in the morning. The point is, you don't feel guilty going to your Mom at any time of day...that's what she's there for and she's proved that to you throughout your whole life. Nothing is ever the same. So....I sat in my car and heaved and sobbed and hit the steering wheel over and over again just because I missed my Mom. Dramatic? I don't think so...it hurts so bad. I know when my family reads this I'm going to get a lot of crap for not just calling one of them haha. They're the greatest.
Mostly, I'm sad. I never really understood how deep the meaning of the word "sad" can really go. So sad sometimes I still feel like I could throw up. So sad that I've had to live without her for 7 long years and afraid I'm going to forget things about her in the next however many. Frustrated that the depth of that sadness hasn't changed in 7 years and it still hurts as bad as the moment I had to say goodbye. Sad as I come to grips with the fact that the sadness will never change...no matter how much time passes. So happy and relieved that the sadness will never change no matter how much time passes. It's the best reminder of how much I love her, how strong our bond is, and how I will never forget her. I don't ever want to not be sad that she isn't here. But I'm so exhausted from the sadness that I just wish this had never happened. The sadness should never even have had a chance to be there in the first place. I know I can't go back, change the past or whatever. So I really believe I should just get one more day with her. One more day to love her, to appreciate her, and to ask her so many questions before I know I won't be able to anymore. Is that too much to ask? With all the heartache from this loss I don't feel like it is. That should be mandatory...I'll take it up with the Man upstairs.
I think a common misconception is that if someone is truly sad they are incapable of smiling, laughing at a joke, or being happy and satisfied with their life. That they are unable to function at full capacity. Well I mastered the art of complete silent crying, putting on a face, and being the absolute best I know how...all while being sad. And I have so much love and happiness in my life with my husband, kids, siblings, parents and friends. True...some days are worse than others. Most days the good outweighs the bad, I feel lucky and blessed. But the sadness is always there. On my best day I think about how I wish she was here to talk to about it or witness it and that makes me sad. I could be having a good day until I hear someone bad mouth their Mom and I flip a switch. It's always there and it's something I will have to work to overcome. I think being vulnerable is a first step. Letting myself be indescribably sad on her death day...more like during her death month...is probably a good step too.
I'm still learning to open up to Braiden, my own spouse, and cry in front of him and need his help. The more I do the more I realize how comforting it really is to open up to someone who loves you enough to just hold you so tight you don't feel like you're literally falling apart anymore.... until the heaving and sobbing stops. How comforting it is to let your daughter hold you and tell you "it's ok Mommy" when you tell her you're sad because you miss Grandma Dene and watch her get sad too when you tell her Grandma Dene is your Mommy. And how satisfying it can be when friends or even a complete stranger tell you they are sorry and give you a hug while you cry. So here I am 7 years later... a happy wife and proud mother. Still bitter, still angry and still sad....but working on it :)
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
Monday, February 15, 2016
Angel Mother
I've been delaying this post as long as I possibly can. I knew it would be hard and wasn't sure I was prepared for it but I feel almost a constant nagging from my Mom to get this done. If not for someone else to read it then for myself. My sweet husband took my kids to Bear Lake with his family for the weekend to give me some time at home by myself. I worked Friday and Saturday night or I would have gone with him. I decided this was a good time to write without any distractions. This will probably be my longest post yet but writing about the loss of my Mother cannot be shortened or condensed...nor can I write about the experience in its entirety as it is an all consuming trial I will continue to struggle with every day of my life.
I had just turned 16 years old. My Mom had thrown me an overnight surprise birthday party in Park City with all my friends with only my sister as a chaperon (every 16 year old's dream right?). I went to EFY a few weeks later. I got home from EFY on Saturday August 15th and went to lagoon with my family. The next day we had Stake Conference which we attended as a family. I remember sitting there with my Mom and she asked if I would go to the restroom with her because she didn't feel well. I remember looking in the mirror and thinking of how gross my hair looked because that, and my recent break up with a high school boyfriend were the only two things on my mind. That stomach ache she had was where it all began. We went home and she lied down to see if she would feel better. I was invited by a friend to play volleyball so I asked my Mom if I could go. She told me it was the Sabbath day and she would rather me not go but she was going to let me make the decision. I made the decision to go...obviously not knowing that was the last time I would see her at home. My friend got a call while we were playing (I didn't have a cell phone) to let me know my Mom had gone into the Intermountain Hospital in Murray with some pretty severe abdominal pain. My brother Mike was there for an internship so she chose to go to that specific hospital.
She was in the hospital but as far as I knew there was no reason to be alarmed so I went to volleyball practice on Monday morning August 17th (my little brother Dema's birthday) and my sister Anna and I went to see her afterwards. She was concerned with her appearance and asked us to buy her some "foaming face wash" and bring her some make up haha. She was so weak and tired I remember helping her brush her teeth. At this point Dr's had learned she had an infection in her uterus and they would need to remove it. It didn't seem like a big deal because she was 54 and didn't need her uterus. They scheduled the surgery immediately and we all told her we loved her and wished her good luck. I will never forget that for some reason she hugged me twice and told me she loved me twice. It was the last thing she ever said to me and the last thing I ever heard her say. We waited about 4 hours through the surgery and were told everything went well we just needed to wait for her to wake up. They allowed two of us in at a time to see her while she was still sleeping but the angry nurse lady wouldn't allow us to touch her or speak to her. I went home, showered, and was planning on going back to see her once she woke up.
I received a call from my sister Shannon a little later. She was crying and told me I needed to grab Dema and run as fast as I could down 1400 North to main street so she could pick us up. Something was wrong with my Mom and we needed to hurry. Dema and I ran down to main street and jumped in the car where Shannon told us the infection had spread and she wasn't doing well. I cried on Dema's lap the whole way there but I still thought that she would be ok, she had to be. We got there and the waiting room filled up pretty quickly with our family and close friends. After many hours and so much hard work from multiple doctors and hospital staff, my brother Mike came out of her room and told us the infection had spread everywhere and that her body was going septic. He said " It's time to say goodbye." I was in disbelief as we all started walking toward her room. In the hallway I fell to the floor because I couldn't do it. I couldn't say goodbye to my Mom... I wasn't ready. I remember my sister Andrea pulling me up and saying "I know Maddy, I'm so sorry, but you have to" through her tears. Seeing her hooked up to so many machines was hard. She couldn't move, speak, or open her eyes but she knew we were there and she could hear us. We all took turns saying goodbye. Holding her hands and kissing her cheek. My brothers Kenny and Denis were serving missions at the time and were only able to say goodbye over the phone. My sweet Dad leaned over and told her that it was OK to go...that we would be OK. I'm sure that was one of the hardest things he's ever done but he loves her so much and seeing her in so much pain was so hard. I know she was fighting as hard as she could. She shed a couple tears, and finally gave up the fight at 12:15 am on Tuesday August 18th, 2009. 15 minutes after Dema's birthday had ended. If you knew her you would know that she did that on purpose; there is no way she would have let herself die on her sweet Dema's birthday.
We drove home and I went to sleep praying with all my might that I would wake up and this would be some sort of awful nightmare. Every morning for the next 5 or 6 months was like losing her all over again. The next few days were filled with an insane amount of food that I couldn't eat (but appreciated all the same) and SO many people who cared about her and our family. I will never forget answering the door for Brad Barton (close family friend) as he collapsed crying on my shoulder. She was so loved. It meant so much to all of us to see how so many people were affected by her loss. Her funeral was beautiful and the church hardly fit everyone in attendance. We used the chapel, the primary room and the relief society room but people still had to stand. We had so much love and support.
School started the next Monday...my Junior year of high school. I went knowing it was what her and my Dad wanted. My teachers were very kind and supportive but I didn't learn a thing and I got my worst 2.7 GPA that term....whoops. I cried all day every day....I cry pretty quietly thank goodness but I usually stuck to the back of the classroom just in case. I bought a lot of water proof mascara. I use to go home and sit in her closet and smell her clothes because they still smelled like her. I was a very angry teenager. I was very angry at God for taking my Mom away from me but I still needed him to get through every minute of the day...and he was there. Even when I pushed him away and refused to admit that I needed him, he was there. I think it was around 5 months when it started to sink in that she wasn't coming back and it was time to move forward with my life. I couldn't just sit there and expect the world to stop turning for me anymore. I had the choice to keep being angry, or to accept the fact that I didn't understand and that was OK. I chose the latter and while I was still a teenager who constantly fought with my Dad, I decided to try and live in a way that would make her proud of me.
I look back now and am so grateful I made that decision. I still fail and come up short a lot but I know she is here for me and I recognize God's hand and the Holy Spirit in all that I do. I went to my first dance without her there... I graduated high school, I got married, I got my associates degree, and I had two beautiful babies who will never know her in this life. I know I will do so much more in this life and my heart will ache for her every time I know she should be there. I am also grateful for what I have gained through this loss. I am grateful that for the 16 years I had her she loved me wholeheartedly and unconditionally. I have never been closer to my siblings or my Dad. We have really pulled together and I couldn't live without each and every one of them. I have an amazing husband and without my Mom's strong influence on my Dad i'm not sure he would have let me marry him straight out of high school like I did. I have needed Braiden so much and am so grateful I didn't have to wait another day to marry him and start our eternity together. I am grateful for the understanding this experience has given me and the opportunity I have had to help others through their losses. I am grateful for the step family that has come into my life and the things I have learned from them. I am grateful for all of these things, however, if I could have her back I would. As long as it meant I could still have my family :) I mean...I'm only human.
I have learned through everything that when someone you know dies, there is a void that is impossible to ignore. No matter how well you knew them that void is still there and it makes us sad. There is never a way to "move on" from a great loss only a way to move forward. Losing someone will never get easier you just get stronger. I remember someone telling me that eventually I'll be able to think of my Mom and smile instead of cry or be sad. I'm still wondering when that will happen but I know that if it never happens that's OK. I also know that it's OK if one day that does happen for me. Our loved ones who have passed have a much greater knowledge and perspective than we do and there is no reason to feel guilty for being happy. I have learned from my close friends what it means to be a true friend in times of need. I have learned the importance of a Mother and because of that I strive every day to be the Mother and wife my family deserves. I've learned that she is my Guardian Angel and has saved me or my family more times than we are even aware.
So be nice to your parents and especially your Mom because there are some of us who would give anything to hear our Mom nag us one more time, force her opinion on us because she cares or make us get out of bed in the morning. Now I am a Mom myself and I realize just how much she must have loved me and just how hard it probably was for her to leave me. She probably misses me just as much as I miss her if not more. I also realize how much she actually did for me throughout my life and I wish I would have appreciated her like she deserved. I wish I would have asked her more questions about things like her political views and how I acted as a child so I could compare it to my children. There are things I may never know about her in this life because our time was cut short. There may not be a person in the world that loves you like your parents so ask them questions, hold them close and truly cherish them.
If you made it...thank you for reading. And if during the time of our loss you ever said thoughts or prayers for me or my family, sent your condolences, wrote us a note or on social media, brought us a gift, stopped by, joined me at the cemetery to see my Mom, or been there for us in any way...just know that each and every one of you made a difference and it means so much to us! It would be impossible to thank each person individually but I hope you'll read this and know I'm talking about you :)
I had just turned 16 years old. My Mom had thrown me an overnight surprise birthday party in Park City with all my friends with only my sister as a chaperon (every 16 year old's dream right?). I went to EFY a few weeks later. I got home from EFY on Saturday August 15th and went to lagoon with my family. The next day we had Stake Conference which we attended as a family. I remember sitting there with my Mom and she asked if I would go to the restroom with her because she didn't feel well. I remember looking in the mirror and thinking of how gross my hair looked because that, and my recent break up with a high school boyfriend were the only two things on my mind. That stomach ache she had was where it all began. We went home and she lied down to see if she would feel better. I was invited by a friend to play volleyball so I asked my Mom if I could go. She told me it was the Sabbath day and she would rather me not go but she was going to let me make the decision. I made the decision to go...obviously not knowing that was the last time I would see her at home. My friend got a call while we were playing (I didn't have a cell phone) to let me know my Mom had gone into the Intermountain Hospital in Murray with some pretty severe abdominal pain. My brother Mike was there for an internship so she chose to go to that specific hospital.
She was in the hospital but as far as I knew there was no reason to be alarmed so I went to volleyball practice on Monday morning August 17th (my little brother Dema's birthday) and my sister Anna and I went to see her afterwards. She was concerned with her appearance and asked us to buy her some "foaming face wash" and bring her some make up haha. She was so weak and tired I remember helping her brush her teeth. At this point Dr's had learned she had an infection in her uterus and they would need to remove it. It didn't seem like a big deal because she was 54 and didn't need her uterus. They scheduled the surgery immediately and we all told her we loved her and wished her good luck. I will never forget that for some reason she hugged me twice and told me she loved me twice. It was the last thing she ever said to me and the last thing I ever heard her say. We waited about 4 hours through the surgery and were told everything went well we just needed to wait for her to wake up. They allowed two of us in at a time to see her while she was still sleeping but the angry nurse lady wouldn't allow us to touch her or speak to her. I went home, showered, and was planning on going back to see her once she woke up.
I received a call from my sister Shannon a little later. She was crying and told me I needed to grab Dema and run as fast as I could down 1400 North to main street so she could pick us up. Something was wrong with my Mom and we needed to hurry. Dema and I ran down to main street and jumped in the car where Shannon told us the infection had spread and she wasn't doing well. I cried on Dema's lap the whole way there but I still thought that she would be ok, she had to be. We got there and the waiting room filled up pretty quickly with our family and close friends. After many hours and so much hard work from multiple doctors and hospital staff, my brother Mike came out of her room and told us the infection had spread everywhere and that her body was going septic. He said " It's time to say goodbye." I was in disbelief as we all started walking toward her room. In the hallway I fell to the floor because I couldn't do it. I couldn't say goodbye to my Mom... I wasn't ready. I remember my sister Andrea pulling me up and saying "I know Maddy, I'm so sorry, but you have to" through her tears. Seeing her hooked up to so many machines was hard. She couldn't move, speak, or open her eyes but she knew we were there and she could hear us. We all took turns saying goodbye. Holding her hands and kissing her cheek. My brothers Kenny and Denis were serving missions at the time and were only able to say goodbye over the phone. My sweet Dad leaned over and told her that it was OK to go...that we would be OK. I'm sure that was one of the hardest things he's ever done but he loves her so much and seeing her in so much pain was so hard. I know she was fighting as hard as she could. She shed a couple tears, and finally gave up the fight at 12:15 am on Tuesday August 18th, 2009. 15 minutes after Dema's birthday had ended. If you knew her you would know that she did that on purpose; there is no way she would have let herself die on her sweet Dema's birthday.
We drove home and I went to sleep praying with all my might that I would wake up and this would be some sort of awful nightmare. Every morning for the next 5 or 6 months was like losing her all over again. The next few days were filled with an insane amount of food that I couldn't eat (but appreciated all the same) and SO many people who cared about her and our family. I will never forget answering the door for Brad Barton (close family friend) as he collapsed crying on my shoulder. She was so loved. It meant so much to all of us to see how so many people were affected by her loss. Her funeral was beautiful and the church hardly fit everyone in attendance. We used the chapel, the primary room and the relief society room but people still had to stand. We had so much love and support.
School started the next Monday...my Junior year of high school. I went knowing it was what her and my Dad wanted. My teachers were very kind and supportive but I didn't learn a thing and I got my worst 2.7 GPA that term....whoops. I cried all day every day....I cry pretty quietly thank goodness but I usually stuck to the back of the classroom just in case. I bought a lot of water proof mascara. I use to go home and sit in her closet and smell her clothes because they still smelled like her. I was a very angry teenager. I was very angry at God for taking my Mom away from me but I still needed him to get through every minute of the day...and he was there. Even when I pushed him away and refused to admit that I needed him, he was there. I think it was around 5 months when it started to sink in that she wasn't coming back and it was time to move forward with my life. I couldn't just sit there and expect the world to stop turning for me anymore. I had the choice to keep being angry, or to accept the fact that I didn't understand and that was OK. I chose the latter and while I was still a teenager who constantly fought with my Dad, I decided to try and live in a way that would make her proud of me.
I look back now and am so grateful I made that decision. I still fail and come up short a lot but I know she is here for me and I recognize God's hand and the Holy Spirit in all that I do. I went to my first dance without her there... I graduated high school, I got married, I got my associates degree, and I had two beautiful babies who will never know her in this life. I know I will do so much more in this life and my heart will ache for her every time I know she should be there. I am also grateful for what I have gained through this loss. I am grateful that for the 16 years I had her she loved me wholeheartedly and unconditionally. I have never been closer to my siblings or my Dad. We have really pulled together and I couldn't live without each and every one of them. I have an amazing husband and without my Mom's strong influence on my Dad i'm not sure he would have let me marry him straight out of high school like I did. I have needed Braiden so much and am so grateful I didn't have to wait another day to marry him and start our eternity together. I am grateful for the understanding this experience has given me and the opportunity I have had to help others through their losses. I am grateful for the step family that has come into my life and the things I have learned from them. I am grateful for all of these things, however, if I could have her back I would. As long as it meant I could still have my family :) I mean...I'm only human.
I have learned through everything that when someone you know dies, there is a void that is impossible to ignore. No matter how well you knew them that void is still there and it makes us sad. There is never a way to "move on" from a great loss only a way to move forward. Losing someone will never get easier you just get stronger. I remember someone telling me that eventually I'll be able to think of my Mom and smile instead of cry or be sad. I'm still wondering when that will happen but I know that if it never happens that's OK. I also know that it's OK if one day that does happen for me. Our loved ones who have passed have a much greater knowledge and perspective than we do and there is no reason to feel guilty for being happy. I have learned from my close friends what it means to be a true friend in times of need. I have learned the importance of a Mother and because of that I strive every day to be the Mother and wife my family deserves. I've learned that she is my Guardian Angel and has saved me or my family more times than we are even aware.
So be nice to your parents and especially your Mom because there are some of us who would give anything to hear our Mom nag us one more time, force her opinion on us because she cares or make us get out of bed in the morning. Now I am a Mom myself and I realize just how much she must have loved me and just how hard it probably was for her to leave me. She probably misses me just as much as I miss her if not more. I also realize how much she actually did for me throughout my life and I wish I would have appreciated her like she deserved. I wish I would have asked her more questions about things like her political views and how I acted as a child so I could compare it to my children. There are things I may never know about her in this life because our time was cut short. There may not be a person in the world that loves you like your parents so ask them questions, hold them close and truly cherish them.
If you made it...thank you for reading. And if during the time of our loss you ever said thoughts or prayers for me or my family, sent your condolences, wrote us a note or on social media, brought us a gift, stopped by, joined me at the cemetery to see my Mom, or been there for us in any way...just know that each and every one of you made a difference and it means so much to us! It would be impossible to thank each person individually but I hope you'll read this and know I'm talking about you :)
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