I've been delaying this post as long as I possibly can. I knew it would be hard and wasn't sure I was prepared for it but I feel almost a constant nagging from my Mom to get this done. If not for someone else to read it then for myself. My sweet husband took my kids to Bear Lake with his family for the weekend to give me some time at home by myself. I worked Friday and Saturday night or I would have gone with him. I decided this was a good time to write without any distractions. This will probably be my longest post yet but writing about the loss of my Mother cannot be shortened or condensed...nor can I write about the experience in its entirety as it is an all consuming trial I will continue to struggle with every day of my life.
I had just turned 16 years old. My Mom had thrown me an overnight surprise birthday party in Park City with all my friends with only my sister as a chaperon (every 16 year old's dream right?). I went to EFY a few weeks later. I got home from EFY on Saturday August 15th and went to lagoon with my family. The next day we had Stake Conference which we attended as a family. I remember sitting there with my Mom and she asked if I would go to the restroom with her because she didn't feel well. I remember looking in the mirror and thinking of how gross my hair looked because that, and my recent break up with a high school boyfriend were the only two things on my mind. That stomach ache she had was where it all began. We went home and she lied down to see if she would feel better. I was invited by a friend to play volleyball so I asked my Mom if I could go. She told me it was the Sabbath day and she would rather me not go but she was going to let me make the decision. I made the decision to go...obviously not knowing that was the last time I would see her at home. My friend got a call while we were playing (I didn't have a cell phone) to let me know my Mom had gone into the Intermountain Hospital in Murray with some pretty severe abdominal pain. My brother Mike was there for an internship so she chose to go to that specific hospital.
She was in the hospital but as far as I knew there was no reason to be alarmed so I went to volleyball practice on Monday morning August 17th (my little brother Dema's birthday) and my sister Anna and I went to see her afterwards. She was concerned with her appearance and asked us to buy her some "foaming face wash" and bring her some make up haha. She was so weak and tired I remember helping her brush her teeth. At this point Dr's had learned she had an infection in her uterus and they would need to remove it. It didn't seem like a big deal because she was 54 and didn't need her uterus. They scheduled the surgery immediately and we all told her we loved her and wished her good luck. I will never forget that for some reason she hugged me twice and told me she loved me twice. It was the last thing she ever said to me and the last thing I ever heard her say. We waited about 4 hours through the surgery and were told everything went well we just needed to wait for her to wake up. They allowed two of us in at a time to see her while she was still sleeping but the angry nurse lady wouldn't allow us to touch her or speak to her. I went home, showered, and was planning on going back to see her once she woke up.
I received a call from my sister Shannon a little later. She was crying and told me I needed to grab Dema and run as fast as I could down 1400 North to main street so she could pick us up. Something was wrong with my Mom and we needed to hurry. Dema and I ran down to main street and jumped in the car where Shannon told us the infection had spread and she wasn't doing well. I cried on Dema's lap the whole way there but I still thought that she would be ok, she had to be. We got there and the waiting room filled up pretty quickly with our family and close friends. After many hours and so much hard work from multiple doctors and hospital staff, my brother Mike came out of her room and told us the infection had spread everywhere and that her body was going septic. He said " It's time to say goodbye." I was in disbelief as we all started walking toward her room. In the hallway I fell to the floor because I couldn't do it. I couldn't say goodbye to my Mom... I wasn't ready. I remember my sister Andrea pulling me up and saying "I know Maddy, I'm so sorry, but you have to" through her tears. Seeing her hooked up to so many machines was hard. She couldn't move, speak, or open her eyes but she knew we were there and she could hear us. We all took turns saying goodbye. Holding her hands and kissing her cheek. My brothers Kenny and Denis were serving missions at the time and were only able to say goodbye over the phone. My sweet Dad leaned over and told her that it was OK to go...that we would be OK. I'm sure that was one of the hardest things he's ever done but he loves her so much and seeing her in so much pain was so hard. I know she was fighting as hard as she could. She shed a couple tears, and finally gave up the fight at 12:15 am on Tuesday August 18th, 2009. 15 minutes after Dema's birthday had ended. If you knew her you would know that she did that on purpose; there is no way she would have let herself die on her sweet Dema's birthday.
We drove home and I went to sleep praying with all my might that I would wake up and this would be some sort of awful nightmare. Every morning for the next 5 or 6 months was like losing her all over again. The next few days were filled with an insane amount of food that I couldn't eat (but appreciated all the same) and SO many people who cared about her and our family. I will never forget answering the door for Brad Barton (close family friend) as he collapsed crying on my shoulder. She was so loved. It meant so much to all of us to see how so many people were affected by her loss. Her funeral was beautiful and the church hardly fit everyone in attendance. We used the chapel, the primary room and the relief society room but people still had to stand. We had so much love and support.
School started the next Monday...my Junior year of high school. I went knowing it was what her and my Dad wanted. My teachers were very kind and supportive but I didn't learn a thing and I got my worst 2.7 GPA that term....whoops. I cried all day every day....I cry pretty quietly thank goodness but I usually stuck to the back of the classroom just in case. I bought a lot of water proof mascara. I use to go home and sit in her closet and smell her clothes because they still smelled like her. I was a very angry teenager. I was very angry at God for taking my Mom away from me but I still needed him to get through every minute of the day...and he was there. Even when I pushed him away and refused to admit that I needed him, he was there. I think it was around 5 months when it started to sink in that she wasn't coming back and it was time to move forward with my life. I couldn't just sit there and expect the world to stop turning for me anymore. I had the choice to keep being angry, or to accept the fact that I didn't understand and that was OK. I chose the latter and while I was still a teenager who constantly fought with my Dad, I decided to try and live in a way that would make her proud of me.
I look back now and am so grateful I made that decision. I still fail and come up short a lot but I know she is here for me and I recognize God's hand and the Holy Spirit in all that I do. I went to my first dance without her there... I graduated high school, I got married, I got my associates degree, and I had two beautiful babies who will never know her in this life. I know I will do so much more in this life and my heart will ache for her every time I know she should be there. I am also grateful for what I have gained through this loss. I am grateful that for the 16 years I had her she loved me wholeheartedly and unconditionally. I have never been closer to my siblings or my Dad. We have really pulled together and I couldn't live without each and every one of them. I have an amazing husband and without my Mom's strong influence on my Dad i'm not sure he would have let me marry him straight out of high school like I did. I have needed Braiden so much and am so grateful I didn't have to wait another day to marry him and start our eternity together. I am grateful for the understanding this experience has given me and the opportunity I have had to help others through their losses. I am grateful for the step family that has come into my life and the things I have learned from them. I am grateful for all of these things, however, if I could have her back I would. As long as it meant I could still have my family :) I mean...I'm only human.
I have learned through everything that when someone you know dies, there is a void that is impossible to ignore. No matter how well you knew them that void is still there and it makes us sad. There is never a way to "move on" from a great loss only a way to move forward. Losing someone will never get easier you just get stronger. I remember someone telling me that eventually I'll be able to think of my Mom and smile instead of cry or be sad. I'm still wondering when that will happen but I know that if it never happens that's OK. I also know that it's OK if one day that does happen for me. Our loved ones who have passed have a much greater knowledge and perspective than we do and there is no reason to feel guilty for being happy. I have learned from my close friends what it means to be a true friend in times of need. I have learned the importance of a Mother and because of that I strive every day to be the Mother and wife my family deserves. I've learned that she is my Guardian Angel and has saved me or my family more times than we are even aware.
So be nice to your parents and especially your Mom because there are some of us who would give anything to hear our Mom nag us one more time, force her opinion on us because she cares or make us get out of bed in the morning. Now I am a Mom myself and I realize just how much she must have loved me and just how hard it probably was for her to leave me. She probably misses me just as much as I miss her if not more. I also realize how much she actually did for me throughout my life and I wish I would have appreciated her like she deserved. I wish I would have asked her more questions about things like her political views and how I acted as a child so I could compare it to my children. There are things I may never know about her in this life because our time was cut short. There may not be a person in the world that loves you like your parents so ask them questions, hold them close and truly cherish them.
If you made it...thank you for reading. And if during the time of our loss you ever said thoughts or prayers for me or my family, sent your condolences, wrote us a note or on social media, brought us a gift, stopped by, joined me at the cemetery to see my Mom, or been there for us in any way...just know that each and every one of you made a difference and it means so much to us! It would be impossible to thank each person individually but I hope you'll read this and know I'm talking about you :)
