7 years ago exactly I had just finished volleyball practice when me and my sister Anna went straight from there to visit my Mom at IHC in Murray. We went to wish my Mom luck before her hysterectomy. As far as we knew it was a very common procedure and she would be just fine. We wished her luck, said goodbye and told her we loved her. That was the last thing she was able to say to us. She died at 12:15 a.m. on the 18th.
Every year, somewhat unconsciously, I really struggle at her death date. After talking to a good friend a few months ago about losing our parents, she helped me realize that I've made a habit of not letting myself be sad very often. She lent me a book called "Daring Greatly" by Brene Brown and I'm not usually one for self-help books but it's helping me let myself feel whatever I'm feeling. So here I am writing...and daring greatly. I am really good at coming up with excuses to not let myself cry or be sad. I am a Mom, I have to be there for my kids. I have a job, I need the money and need to be able to get through the day. Not very many people will understand anyway, so why would I let my feelings show? And since those people don't understand, why would I want to make them feel awkward and uncomfortable with my tears and overwhelming sadness? At the time, it's easier to just push it away, tell myself I'll deal with it later even though I know I won't. In the long run however, it's really stunting my ability to learn and grow. What am I teaching my kids if I never cry in front of them or openly struggle. Will they grow up thinking it's not ok to cry? That it's some sort of weakness? That we're not supposed to struggle or ask for help? Or maybe that I'm heartless or not emotional and therefore I'm not understanding of their sadness or struggles. Regardless I figure it can only help to let myself be vulnerable and help them to learn from it as they grow.
At times I feel bitter. I went through two years of high school having to watch my friends interact with their mothers all the time. Often times they would fight with their mom's (yes, I understand this is a normal teenage girl thing to do) and I couldn't help but think "why did you get to keep your mom? Why me?" It was nothing against my friends, I just think you can't help but be bitter when something hurts so bad, and I've learned that's ok. Through the atonement and the pure love of Christ... he understands. And whatever I'm feeling is ok. But bitterness is not a good feeling, it's painful and it still comes around every so often. Actually more often than I would like to admit.
I'm also still really angry. Maybe you would think after 7 years that wouldn't be the case. In that 7 years I've missed out on so much because she's not here. My kids have missed out on simply knowing her. When you're a Mom your children's needs are immediately put before your own. Most mother's own that and live up to it constantly putting themselves last. My Mom was that way. And when she died that comfort that your feelings/needs/wants come first for someone died too. It's especially hard when all mine and Braiden's time and effort goes into our family and our children. I can't help but yearn for that feeling. I can't help but be angry that comfort was taken away from me. I'm not really able to place my anger... sometimes I'm angry at God because I know this was his call but I also know I could never do it without him. Sometimes I'm angry at my Mom because I know at some point she agreed to this but I also know how hard it must have been for a dedicated mother and wife to leave her husband and children. But mostly I'm just angry. Last night me and Braiden got into a fight (yes married couples fight, I'm not ashamed) I drove around in my car and just kept thinking about where I could go and just "be" at 10 p.m. where there would be no judgement and where there would be complete understanding. I have a lot of siblings and I know any one of them would have loved to have me. But I would have felt guilty when they all have jobs, or kids to tend to in the morning. The point is, you don't feel guilty going to your Mom at any time of day...that's what she's there for and she's proved that to you throughout your whole life. Nothing is ever the same. So....I sat in my car and heaved and sobbed and hit the steering wheel over and over again just because I missed my Mom. Dramatic? I don't think so...it hurts so bad. I know when my family reads this I'm going to get a lot of crap for not just calling one of them haha. They're the greatest.
Mostly, I'm sad. I never really understood how deep the meaning of the word "sad" can really go. So sad sometimes I still feel like I could throw up. So sad that I've had to live without her for 7 long years and afraid I'm going to forget things about her in the next however many. Frustrated that the depth of that sadness hasn't changed in 7 years and it still hurts as bad as the moment I had to say goodbye. Sad as I come to grips with the fact that the sadness will never change...no matter how much time passes. So happy and relieved that the sadness will never change no matter how much time passes. It's the best reminder of how much I love her, how strong our bond is, and how I will never forget her. I don't ever want to not be sad that she isn't here. But I'm so exhausted from the sadness that I just wish this had never happened. The sadness should never even have had a chance to be there in the first place. I know I can't go back, change the past or whatever. So I really believe I should just get one more day with her. One more day to love her, to appreciate her, and to ask her so many questions before I know I won't be able to anymore. Is that too much to ask? With all the heartache from this loss I don't feel like it is. That should be mandatory...I'll take it up with the Man upstairs.
I think a common misconception is that if someone is truly sad they are incapable of smiling, laughing at a joke, or being happy and satisfied with their life. That they are unable to function at full capacity. Well I mastered the art of complete silent crying, putting on a face, and being the absolute best I know how...all while being sad. And I have so much love and happiness in my life with my husband, kids, siblings, parents and friends. True...some days are worse than others. Most days the good outweighs the bad, I feel lucky and blessed. But the sadness is always there. On my best day I think about how I wish she was here to talk to about it or witness it and that makes me sad. I could be having a good day until I hear someone bad mouth their Mom and I flip a switch. It's always there and it's something I will have to work to overcome. I think being vulnerable is a first step. Letting myself be indescribably sad on her death day...more like during her death month...is probably a good step too.
I'm still learning to open up to Braiden, my own spouse, and cry in front of him and need his help. The more I do the more I realize how comforting it really is to open up to someone who loves you enough to just hold you so tight you don't feel like you're literally falling apart anymore.... until the heaving and sobbing stops. How comforting it is to let your daughter hold you and tell you "it's ok Mommy" when you tell her you're sad because you miss Grandma Dene and watch her get sad too when you tell her Grandma Dene is your Mommy. And how satisfying it can be when friends or even a complete stranger tell you they are sorry and give you a hug while you cry. So here I am 7 years later... a happy wife and proud mother. Still bitter, still angry and still sad....but working on it :)
