Hello My Name is Dema and I'm an Addict

I know it hasn't even been a week since my last post but my heart is so full. I'm sure you've all heard the expressions "my heart is breaking" and "my heart is bursting". Two different phrases that have opposite meanings. How is it possible, then, that I feel like my heart is breaking and bursting at the same time? Well it may sound cheesy but it's true. My stud of a little brother left to an out of state rehab facility yesterday. Anyone who knows me well enough knows how much I love this kid and how much time and effort I have spent worrying for his well-being over the last...well as long as I can remember. Last night as I said goodbye to my best friend and wished him luck I asked if it would be okay for me to post what I know about his story. I wish he could tell it to you because I don't know everything and it will be more from my perspective. Anyway, he said he didn't care so let me start by giving you some background.

As you read in my last post 3 of my brothers were adopted from Moldova in 1997. These brothers are Denis, Valek and Dema. When my Mom was pregnant with me she felt very strongly that I was a boy and would see her little boy in her dreams. Then I was born (clearly not a boy) and she felt something was missing. This is one of the main things that convinced her to adopt. When she went to Moldova and saw my three brothers she knew it was their presence that was missing. Dema is only about 3 weeks younger than me so we were instant friends. Maybe more like frenemies at times but we were very close. We went to kindergarten together, we played with the same friends, the same toys (he loved to tear the heads off my barbies) and we were almost always together. Dema stayed in kindergarten another year while I went on to 1st grade. He was a lot younger than everyone in our grade and was still working on his English. Even still, we walked to the bus everyday together, played on the same baseball team (where I was the only girl) and we're both even guilty of wearing each other's clothes. One of my favorite memories from when we were growing up was when we were about 10 or 11 years old. We were walking to the bus stop and Dema had this idea that it was super cool to have every single zipper on his backpack undone. Sure...super cool to have all your assignments and books falling out with every step you took. Me, being the nagging, annoying, bossy older sister that I was kept getting mad at him and telling him to zip it up. He wouldn't listen so after I picked up his papers for the 100th time I started to zip it up myself. Dema turned around so fast and clocked me right in the nose. Full fist...held nothing back. Then he took off running as I chased after him. That afternoon...we walked home together...friends again. That was usually how it was with us. As the youngest Dema got teased a lot and I admire him for handling it as well as he did. His older siblings could be terrible to him...Jenny Meek if you're reading this I still feel awful about the time we locked Dema in the tennis court and stuck our gum in his hair when he tried to climb out. He had a bald spot on his head for weeks.

I have no idea how to rotate this but this is me and my 3 brothers Dema, Denis and Valek

As we grew into teenagers Dema began getting into a little trouble. First it started with missing curfew and smaller things like that. But as the years went by he started searching for trouble. I encourage everyone to watch the videos the LDS church has released on addiction because it will truly enlighten you on what addiction really is and what it does to one's brain. Dema has always been an addict. I recently read some letters my Mom sent to my sister Melissa on her mission and she talks about how Dema can't keep his hands off candy. She talked about how it seemed impossible for him to stare at the marshmallow and not eat it...even if he was promised 2 marshmallows at the end of 5 minutes. I swear he could have won some sort of record for eating candy...it was almost impressive. This may not seem like it relates to his addiction...but it is one of the signs of an addictive personality. Sadly...when Dema got older he ditched some really good friends in search of people who he felt more comfortable around. Not saying these weren't good kids...but they were definitely not good friends and were not good influences on him. However, Dema made his own decisions. He was strong enough to say no to that first drink and that first cigarette but he didn't. And because of that first drink Dema became an instant alcoholic. Because of that first cigarette he became addicted. Does anybody not believe it can happen like this? Because statistics prove that millions of people who also suffer from addiction, in the US alone, will tell you differently.

Because of these addictions Dema was constantly kicked out of the house. He dropped out of high school and lived at different friends houses. He did end up finishing high school later but it was a lot harder and a lot less fun than it would have been had he just stuck it out in school. He decided to live a lifestyle that was very different from our family's. We always knew when he was in deep because he would distance himself as much as he possibly could. Dema has an incredibly huge heart... and he couldn't stand to see what he was doing to his family because he was not ready to change. He didn't want it...at least not enough. The worst part of this stage in Dema's life was when he started stealing from us...my Dad in particular. He looked for someone to blame for all his problems and that person happened to be my Dad. I'm sure we can all guess what he used the money for. It was a really sad time in my life when I realized I couldn't trust my own brother...my lifelong best friend. The married couples in our family were afraid to tell him where we lived...my dad installed a camera security system throughout the house... and each bedroom or important room in my home had a combination lock on it. Of course...most of this was thanks to my older brother Valek who stole much more than Dema and lived the same lifestyle so I can't credit this completely to Dema haha. My parents sent Dema to a sort of rehab facility for minors called Lifeline when I was a sophomore in High School. I cried a lot that day. My parents unexpectedly pulled Dema out of Lifeline in July of 2009 and only a month later my Mom passed away. That was a big turning point for both of my brothers and they started making some very bad decisions. When I was a junior in high school my Dad tried sending Dema to another facility named Westridge. It was an amazing environment and being there really allowed him to flourish. Dema has always been an INCREDIBLE natural athlete. He played every sport Westridge had to offer and was the leading scorer on every team. He averaged over 30 points a game in basketball. He was at Westridge for 10 months I believe (correct me if I'm wrong family). He came home a much different person but the temptation got the better of him as he dove right back in to his old habits.

Since he was now 18... he started taking some frequent trips to jail. He was in jail the day I got married. I got to talk to him over a phone and through a screen in front of all his inmate friends and tell him I wished he could be there on the most important day of my life. This was also the way I told him I was pregnant with my first child. He has missed at least 2 or 3 of his own birthdays in jail. I can't even tell you all the reasons he was booked....he probably could though ha. Around this time last year he got really drunk one night and "took some pills". That's all he remembers. I remember getting a call saying that Dema was in the ICU...he had alcohol poisoning and his organs were failing. Other family members could probably tell this story better than I but what I do know still terrifies me. A friend found Dema passed out in a neighbors apartment. He hadn't moved in over 24 hours...how does nobody get concerned by this? Wait...I guess the right question would be...how does somebody realize this...lock him inside the apartment and leave him there in fear they will get in trouble for drug possession? When does fear for yourself become more important than a human life? My little brothers life. I'll gladly tell you how....drugs...meth in this case. It took me a long time to separate addict Dema from my brother Dema. They were never the same person. So I have to remember this with others as well....or at least hope they were under the influence when they chose to let my brother die alone on their couch in their meth lab. Because no sane person in their uninfluenced right mind would do that...right? When paramedics got there they told my step brother Robby (who I have to thank for finding Dema and saving his life) that he would have been dead within the hour. I went to the ICU to see him with every intention of scolding him and yelling at him. How could he do this to me? To our family? How can he not know what he means to us? But when I saw him hooked up to machines and tubes...I lost all my fight. We all spent as much time as we could with him in the hospital...telling him we loved him and he needed to change so that this wouldn't happen again. I had high hopes that THIS would be his moment...the moment he would realize what he was doing was literally killing him. Imagine my shock when he got out of the hospital and was kicked right back out of the house within a matter of weeks.

Dema has always asked me to give him tough love. I have always been honest with him and he has always been honest with me... for the most part ;) I have had countless conversations with Dema where we are both sobbing and I am telling him he is worth it. He is worth every tear and every effort I have spent on him. He deserves to have the life he wants. He would be the first to tell you that he made the decisions that got him where he is. He has the biggest heart, he is so thoughtful and kind. If he has ever been mean to someone....while he is sober...then I can promise it did not come naturally to him. My 6' 2" brother is almost impossible to make angry or hostile...EVEN when intoxicated I have only heard about or witnessed it a couple times. He is an awesome uncle and all the grandkids remember him even though they only see him once in a blue moon. He has not even begun to reach his potential and I can't wait for him to realize all the things he is capable of. I can't wait for him to blow himself away.

"Hello my name is Dema and I'm an addict" are the words he started with yesterday night when we were discussing his decision to go to rehab. He proceeded to say all the things I have already stated. He has dug himself in a hole and only he can get himself out. He has cheated death. He owes this to himself and to his family. He also retold the short story of the man who looks back on his life and realizes that in the hardest times...there are only one set of footprints in the sand when Christ had promised him he would always be with him. Only to find out that it was during those times Christ carried him. He is finally to the point where he wants to change enough to get help. Sad that it had to take this long but grateful it didn't take longer! My heart is breaking because he is leaving and it will be a long time before I see or hear from him. But even more than that...my heart is BURSTING as it seems like he has finally realized what I have known all along...he is so worth it. He deserves it. And he CAN do it. The question has only ever been...WILL he do it? He won't be able to read this for a while but if you do read it Dema... I love you more than you will ever know...I care more than I can stand it. You have more support now than you have ever had in your life. Learn to lean on those you love but more importantly learn to lean on your Savior Jesus Christ...that is what he died so painfully on the cross for. For what you are going through right now. Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith. Again, I love you.

Some advice I would give to anyone going through a similar situation I have. Learn to separate sober from intoxicated. Love unconditionally. Never give up on them and never lose faith in them. If you are ever unsafe...distance as much as you need to but don't cut them off (unless necessary...some situations are definitely more dangerous than others). DON'T enable them. Make them work but know when it is necessary to help them... pray to know the difference. Always tell them how it is...don't sugar coat. Don't forget to tell them you love them. Make sure they know you do not support what they are doing...in any way. Praise them, praise them, praise them when they make good decisions. Pray for them. If you made it through this post...pat yourself on the back! And pray for my sweet brother as this may be the hardest thing he will ever have to do.